The Horror Film Book of Wisdom
40 must follow Horrow film Morals:
1) After you've killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
2) If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetary, once was a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or commited suicide or died in some horrible fashion or who performed necrophilia or satanic prectices, move away immediately.
3) Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
4) Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
5) If your children speak to you in Lation or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak using a voice other than their own, shoot them immediately.
6) If the familly plans a fun midnight party in the town's old abandoned mansion, don't tag along. Especially don't tag along if everyone's planning on having a good time and they're all youth councelors.. and especially don't tag along if they're all going as couples and you're the odd guy/gal out.
7) As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
8) Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other domicile of the dead.
9) If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out it's just the cat, leave the room immediately.
10) If the appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
11) Do not take (or borrow) anything from the dead.
12) Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology in a laboratory set up in a quaint rural area and/or near a conveniently placed hidden toxic dump.
13) If you're running from a monster, plan on stumbling needlessly at least twice, more if female.
14) If your companions begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination iwth blood, glowing eyes and /or slime... immediately excuse yourself from the conversation and drive away.
15) Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, , soldering irons, band saws, weed-whackers or any device made from their own limbs.
16) Listen closely to the soundtrack.
17) Never, never, NEVER try to communicate with icky things because "there's so much we can learn from them."
18) Dont' make fun of or play with dead things.
19) If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. If you see a town that's deserted except for children, do not try to help them, they will eat you.
20) If a meteor lands nearby, leave the state, province, country or planet.
21) If you walk into the local abandoned-looking church to seek help or shelter, and you notice that the crucifix is turned upside down, turn around and go back outside as quietly as possible.
22) Never have sex in the bunkbeds of recently renovated summer camps, you will recieve a stabbing wound from either below or above.
23) Strange lights in the sky seldom ever mean the crops will be good this year, refer to plans for number 20.
24) On no account must you ever do something simply because you were dared to.
25) If any animals, such as birds, pirhanas, spiders, etc. begin to exhibit a behavior that seems a bit more hostile towards mankind than normal, expect to soon find many more. Plan on this.. then leave.
26) If you do ask "Who's there?" you will die.
27) If you come accross eggs on a distant planet, assume the worst and go back home.
28) IF a hideous parasite attaches itslef to a crewmember who then flees the base, ship, compound, alien vessel, screaming and saying "Oh God! It's borrowing into me!", for over 2 hours, do not, DO NOT, let him back in under any circumstances.
29) BE forwarned that you will run out of ammunition just as you are about to kill the monster and that any gun.. no matter how plentifull in ammunition, will never completely kill the monster. Be sure to have extra weapons, preferably some with flair (razor confetti, flamethrower, harpoon, nail gun, pop tarts, etc.)
30) Don't open the door. Especially if you hear scratching, heavy breathing or the pleading voice of a relative begging entrance whom you THOUGHT had died earlier.
31) If you are a woman, do not sleep around or show various part of your anatomy, you will die first and horribly.
32) If it looks harmless it will kill you.
33) Never drink the water or eat the fruit.
34) If a friend suddenly starts to mutate and change into a horrible beast, do not attempt to help or to hold him down screaming for help. Do yourself a favor and run, drive or swim away.
35) IF a disease suddenly plagues the region and fully protected soldiers quarantining your city tell you everything is under control saying you will be helped as soon as possible,they are lying and you will soon contract the disease and die.
36) If your dreams involve a stranger with a burnt face and long claws, develop a sudden liking for coffee until heroine arrives.
37) If your grass, shrubs, trees, lawn ornaments become flesh eaters over night do not seek shelter in the green house.
38) IF your friend is quiet, unassuming and could never kill anyone but happens to have many newspaper clippings and/or art representing the devil on his walls, find another friend.
39) The stick will break when you hit the monster with it, leaving you defenseless and therefore condeming you to becoming the creatures lunch.
40) If you are running away from the monster and end up in a sewer, huge mansion, wharehouse or industrial complex, relax, you'll kill it, be the hero and get the beautiful girl in the end.
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